About

A few years ago during an interview I was asked the following question. "Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?" This is all that I could come up with…. I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Pakistani refugees. I write award-winning operas. I mange time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty-two minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village In the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of several documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured Bosnia with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned my fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once per week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let of steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but didn't bother to write it down. I have made extraordinary six course meals using only a wok and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open-heart surgery with a Leatherman Tool, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Education

• University of Toledo
• Roy C Start Highschool

Favorite saying

• "He who laughs last thinks the slowest... Friendly Fire Isn't. "