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About

At the tender age of 17, I encountered my first vampire who bit me and gave me immortality, but I later killed her because she was too clingy and constantly misplaced the remote. She also did stupid stuff like look through my phone even though I clearly wasn't trying to cheat. One time she even called one of my buddies to make sure I was really with him but I was with my side chick and she made a big to do about it. I've roamed the earth, through the generations, looking for something, but unfortunately I've forgotten what it was. I don't think I have any sort of memory loss, it probably just wasn't important anyway. I've learned a few things over the last 700 years that I'd like to take this time to share with you. First of all, don't eat at McDonald's. I watched a documentary about it called Super Size Me, and it really opened my eyes. Secondly, be cautious of the waitresses at Hooters. They will flirt with you, make you feel really special, but they are only interested in your money. Lastly, you can sit as close as you like to the tv. It doesn't impact your vision at all, it's just an old wives tale. On a lighter note, I like cake.

Favorite saying

  • "Skip school, start fights."

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